Dear Zeke,

Taken on the day he was delivered

I have written letters for your two older brother weeks after I have given birth to them, of course, I have a letter for you too, my precious 3rd-born. When I learned I was pregnant with you, I have to admit I was a little bit surprised. We were planning to have you a little later part of 2017 around the Ber-season but God is mysterious and love surprises, I found out I was pregnant on August 2017 by buying a pregnancy kit in a local pharmacy after your big bro, Fynn’s vaccination appointment with his doctor. I didn’t wait at home to check if I was pregnant or not. I went to the public toilet and did the test while your two brothers & their nanny waited outside. And yes, I was pregnant with you! I have to say, it came with a bit of shock and initially,  I didn’t know how to react. But I recalled a few days before I learned I was having you, I was experiencing some uncertainties and confusion in our next step in our plans in life.Did we want to continue living in Singapore, do we want to go back to the Philippines or do we want to start over in a new country again? So one lunch time on a work week, I went to an empty church near our workplace to pray. I asked God for guidance and to show me the way. I was so filled with anxiety and uncertainty for my indecisiveness in our life plans. But just a day, after I learned I got pregnant with you, after I got over my initial shock, my world felt right. This pregnancy was met to be and somehow it will lead us to the right decision for us. All my anxiety vanished away and in spite of my 1st trimester fatigue and discomfort, I was extremely happy and filled with such a positive mood. You were like a happy pill!

I guess, even when you were in my womb, you acted like my source of light and strength. I needed you like you needed my womb to survive. We hanged on to each other. Because during this pregnancy, I have been through hurt, betrayal and sadness especially during the start of 2018. I have also experienced extreme stress, exhaustion and pressure with important responsibilities at work while I was heavily pregnant on my 3rd trimester. I didn’t know how I could have survived or endured all that if you weren’t there to remind me that I have to be strong for you. In a way, you comforted me during those times. You somehow told me to wipe my tears away. I guess as early as now, I have to teach you as a man, never to make a woman cry and don’t break her heart because it is one of the worst pain in the world.

I guess, you have know that your dad and I have been hoping to have a baby girl. But God knows better. I am destined to be a mom of 3 wonderful boys. When we named you Jaron Zeke, it felt right. It was meant to be. I wanted you. We were so excited to see you. I made sure you are safe and healthy. Honestly, I don’t know if I want for us to try for baby sister for you boys. When I held you in my arms after delivery and when I see the five of us together, somehow I felt complete. I don’t know if we will try for a 4th one, either a girl or a boy again. But maybe my energies and body can only handle three. We will know after three years if we will try for a 4th one.

During my pregnancy with you, I was a little bit sickly. Maybe it is my age catching up with me or maybe because now I have to take care of your two older brothers while I am pregnant with you or maybe my new workplace is farther than my previous workplace so the travel has taken a toll on my body. I was extremely sick 2 weeks before I gave birth to you. I had the worst post-nasal drip that I was coughing out phlegm all through the night with a very bad blocked nose. I was coughing so hard, I had extreme rib pain that felt like a fracture, I can hardly get up from the bed without wincing. I prayed that I will get better before I give birth to you which thankfully, I was much better on your scheduled delivery. I was glad though that I didn’t gain too much during my pregnancy and I didn’t suffer from pedal edema unlike my two pregnancies.

My pregnancy with you was different from your manongs because you are born here in Singapore. We took that chance and we were glad we did. It was a pleasant experience giving birth to you here. I was so excited on the day you were born – 9 May 2018. I had my apprehension in delivering for the first time here in Singapore but all I wanted was to see you healthy and well.

When I was in the operation room with your father on my left side and the anesthesiologist told me, “We see the baby’s head already” then I felt them trying to push you out from my belly. Then after that I heard the sweetest sound of all, your cry. I felt my eyes swelling with tears just hearing you cry. You are ok! I wanted to wipe my tears away but my hands are tied up. I wanted for you to be brought to me. A nice Filipino nurse came over to bring you to me to latch. Awww, you are such a beautiful baby! I kissed your soft dimpled cheeks.

Taken on the day Zeke was brought home from the hospital

Thank you for hanging on, my love. Thank you for being my strength during my dark days. It was also during my pregnancy with you, I started re-evaluating the important things in my life and I started to practice minimalism and mindfulness. I valued family, true friends and authentic relationships rather than materialism, fame and popularity. Time was gold and I allotted only to what are important in my life.

I am happy that your two brothers dote on you. I hope you grow up to be an amazing man you are destined to be. I love you Zeke!

Always & Forever,

Your Mommy