I have been MIA from a blog for more than a month. But I have a very good reason for it. I gave birth to an adorable baby boy!!!! Yes, I just gave birth last 29th of June via caesarean section. I want to take this opportunity to write a letter to my 5weeks old baby.
You don’t know how much joy you brought in your dad and my life when you came. When we learned that I am expecting you, I stared with so much amazement at the two sticks that indicated that I will be having you . I felt so blessed that I am going to be a mother to you. I avoided anything and gave up things that might harm you while you are still inside my womb. Every trip to my doctor got me excited because I can see a picture of a silhouette of you taken by this nice lady or I would hear your strong fast heartbeat. My doctor said, “Your son got a strong heart”. I say, ” I pray he will have a kind heart too.” In the middle of my pregnancy, there was a time when I got worried I might lose you. I cried walking back to our home here in Singapore. I went to several doctors for opinions and I prayed. I prayed really hard with your dad. But you are a fighter and all was well.
I was overjoyed when I started feeling your gentle kicks. First, it felt like tiny butterflies in my stomach or tiny fishes swimming gently inside. I would talk to you often. I tell you of my day, about your dad, that I love you so much and that I am so excited to meet you. I would sing to you often and even let out a few rap songs too. I would do yoga poses or swim in our pool to keep my strength up and I would think that we are both doing yoga together or swimming in the pool together. Soon, your gentle kicks grew stronger. You would kick or nudge hard when I would type vigorously on my computer when I’m working or when there are loud noises. I would feel a hand pushing up one side of my tummy. I would put my hand where your little hand is and think that we are holding hands. I would monitor your movements day and night even when I am working to make sure you are doing okay inside me. Your dad would come home asking me how is his little boy doing the whole day. He would talk to you every night. When I sleep at night, I could feel your dad touch my tummy and feel if he can catch your little movements. I would lie often on my right side because it seems to be your favourite position. When I turn to the left, you seem to be shifting uncomfortably so I would go back the right position. Then, in several weeks, you became an even more active little boy. You would kick like football player, box like Manny Pacquiao and do karate chop like a seasoned karate kid. And yes, Mommy, often gets surprised and shout, “Ouch!” even at the middle of patient consultations. Yes, you are a strong boy and your excitement inside my belly hurts. Hehe, but its okay my baby, I still love you. Only a mother thinks those pains are adorable. It makes me happy and it tells me that you are well inside.
You started you get so big. By the last few months of my pregnancy, you often crave for chocolates. I have to control myself. I didn’t want you or me to have any complicated delivery because of too much intake of sweets. I said, “Please Naj, your next chocolates will be outside my womb.”
Then, we were set to go home to my and your dad’s hometown, the beautiful Iloilo City. We want you to be born in the City of Love because you are born out of love. You are planned and so wanted baby. The majority of the course of my pregnancy was a bit easy breezy except on a few lethargic sleepy episodes for two weeks during the early part. But the last few weeks of pregnancy was tricky. I had the worst rashes and swelling on the lower part of my body. It was excruciating and hard but let me tell you, baby, you are worth all the aches and pains and all the tiny little rashes that appeared in my body.
By 37 weeks, the whole family and our friends were all so excited to see you. I pray fervently every night. I asked the help of St. Gerard, patron of pregnant mothers. I talked to you every night. Your dad also prays every night for you and always ask that you will wait for him to come out when he arrives in Iloilo City because he was still in Singapore. I thought you would come out sooner but you were such an obedient little boy. You know when you came out? Exactly on the day when your father arrived in Iloilo.
When I started my labor, mommy didn’t feel much pain. My labor was progressing well and fast. I was imagining of seeing you already. But along the course of my labor, your heartbeat dropped to a dangerous level. The doctor have to open my belly up to get you out as soon as possible rather than the usual way where babies come out. It was scary for me because it is a major operation but I am willing to do anything for you. It took longer than usually for the operation to start. I prayed and prayed for your safety. You see, I don’t want to lose you. I rather die than not have you. Yes, baby, that is how much I love you. You see, your dad have always wanted you even before he and I met. He always wanted to have a firstborn son and he wants to call him, Naj, a mirror image of his name, Jan. I would like your dad to have you. There can be no one but you. We also gave you another name, Raffaele, an Italian name meaning ” healed by God”. True to your name, you were indeed healed by God. After a stress-filled delivery, everyone in that operating room were all tensed and anxious, all hoping for things to go well. When you came out, you cried instantly and they all let out a sigh of relief, baby is okay. Yes, your breathing was too fast than usual and you are unable to be fed for days because you cannot tolerate feeding. But you are a fighter baby. You are our little warrior. At a young age, you made me admire your strength. Someday, when you grow up and you would doubt your ability to face adversity, I will remind of the day you are born. You fought your way to life like a confident warrior. Though you have to be administered antibiotics, inserted a tube into your mouth to your stomach to let out some bad fluids, given IV injections and have to stay in the hospital for 7 days, you looked so cool like one healthy baby.
I cried because after giving birth to you, I haven’t seen or hold you for three days. On the day, I was able to hold you and smell you, I was high on so much happiness. It is like meeting the love of my life. Come back to me when you experience your first love and I’ll tell you, multiple that 10x that is how I felt when I saw and hold you in my arms. I am amazed that you are barely 1 week old but you got the perfect latch when I tried to breastfed you. Though I could tell you got frustrated because I didn’t have milk. But I researched and did everything so milk will come in so I can nourish you naturally.
When we brought you home, you should see the joy in our eyes. Your dad held you like a precious gem. He hasn’t held you since you came out, you see. He wasn’t allowed yet. So imagine his happiness when he got to hold you for the first time. He is so proud of you.
We love you so much Naj. We will do everything to give you a good future and guide you to become a man you are destined to be. We are not perfect but I hope our unconditional love for you can compensate that. My son, you are so worth it. I hope these words will resonate throughout the days of your life, don’t ever forget that and never allow other people to tell you that it isn’t so.